I can’t be bitter
With you.
For you
We’re fighting
Your own demons.

Trying to escape
Your world.
Trying to mask
Your pain.

You,
Were raised different,
You,
Had your own war
To trudge Through.

You just wanted
To come home,
Relax to peace.
Have dinner,
Talk; I’m sure of it.

You feared it
As much as me.
Not knowing
How the night will end up.
What word
Is going to start the fight.

Would it be one
Too many drinks,
A disagreement,
Or us kids.

Who is going to be
The asshole kid this time.
The waste of space;
The cunt.

Not my words,
His.
Over and over.
A narcissist
At his finest.

I dont blame you,
Mama.
I never have.

I tried going over every night,
Wondering,
What happened
That made you guys
So mad?

Just existing
I guess.
We tried
defending you.
We tried
Defending ourselves.

A long drawn out battle.
You told me one time,
The more you speak,
The longer that fight.

I went silent that night.
Never muttered a sound.
I took each blow,
In silence.

But Mama,
I love you.
I always have,
And always will.
My best friend.

~Carrie Labiak ~

Cover up,
Hiding
Behind this laugh.

A frown,
Tucked away
Behind a smile.

Let’s not forget,
Lipgloss,
To make my
Concealed screams
Pretty.

My face
Covered in make up,
Hair colored,
Cut, styled.

Is the image
I’m trying to keep,
Mine?
Am I masking
For something I’m not?

What am I hiding?
What am I seeking?
Is this not
The life
I’m meant to have?
To live?

I feel lost,
But I know
Where I am.
I feel helpless,
But I know
What I’m doing.

I feel broken,
But I know
I put my pieces
Back together right.

As I carry
The weight
Of the world,
Hiding the fact,
My shoulders
Are crumbling,
My back
Feels broken,
My legs are dust.

But I trudge
Through the darkness,
Stumbling
Over obstacles.

Mascarading
The fact,
I dont want to
Struggle anymore.

I just want to live,
Everyday,
As if
Nothing is wrong.

~Carrie Labiak ~

I didnt get dinner dishes
Brought from our neighbors.
I didnt get condolence cards, Or flowers.
I wasnt allowed Grieving time,
or happy memories.

I dont have a lot of pictures of us,
the whole experience is a Blur.
How did we start as a happy Family,
and end up so distant and angry?

I wasnt allowed to hug you, I cried from
 a distance,
I saw you have a stroke,
I saw you take your last breath.

But as the lies unfolded in front of me,
the truth was an evil Image Of you.
Bitter?  yes! angry? Yes!
I lost my husband, to multiple diseases.
Addiction, STD, compulsive lying.

but You labeled me the bad person..
Can I forgive? No, can I forget?
No. Will I get through? Absolutely.

Why am I still so angry, so hateful?
The fire explodes when your name is mentioned, or just the thought.
and my Emotions are enraged.. 

I’m losing this battle,
my energy and love is dissolving,
And just turning to dust.

I’m so alone, distant,
but not falling Apart.
The last thing I said as you died,
I’m sorry I couldnt save you.”
As tears Engulfed me, over flowing, and sadness Tore my sole apart.

~Carrie Labiak ~

Am I broken?
Was I broken?
Where are the pieces?
I’ve looked and looked.

I feel whole,
I felt empty,
Now I feel
Full.

What was once broken,
Healed.
Or, at least,
Mended for now.

The broken pieces,
Since are no where to found,
Weren’t meant to be there,
In the first place.

There’s a reason,
I was broken,
To heal
As the person
I am today.

Maybe I should quit looking
for the broken pieces.
They’ve fallen off,
And honestly,
I dont miss them.

Such a burden to carry,
So heavy on my heart.
Memories,
Meant to be left alone.

Maybe a sigh of relief,
That the broken pieces are gone.
A bit of gratitude,
Of not getting them back.

But never a thank you
For breaking me.

~Carrie Labiak ~

I faced you
In My dream.
Everyone acting normal,
Like nothing happened.

I started
Strangling you.
I hate you.
No, not strong enough
Of a word.

Abominate,
It sounds more hateful.
The Disgust
I have towards you.

The anger,
Towards myself
For allowing it to happen.
The silence that broke me.

You preyed
On the weak,
For your own,
Sick, twisted, sexual preferences.

Eight year Olds.
Youre a drunken pedophile,
And I was your victim.
Honestly, I’m glad you’re dead.

Even though
You got out easy,
You got away with murder,
You got away with killing my soul.

Enjoy Hell,
For all eternity.

~Carrie Labiak ~

The unimaginable,
Tears flow like a river,
Just thinking about it..
I can’t.

How could I go on,
Knowing you’re not here.
When I cant call you,
See you, Hug you.

All the I love yous,
The banter,
The laughs,
Even the arguing.

How can I wake up
Each day,
Not having you here?
I dont have the courage.

The emptiness,
Its so dark,
Bleak,
Dense with burden.

My heart just hurts,
My anger is flowing.
Memories, words,
Your smell, your laughter,
You.

Knowing,
I can’t bring you back.
I’d be lost,
Broken.

Wake up crying,
Go to bed crying,
Thinking of you, crying.
Just so sad.

I’m screaming,
But they can’t hear me.
I’m falling,
But they can’t catch me.

Drifting further away,
Into nothingness.
I slump into a ball,
And fade away.
Without you.

By: Carrie Labiak

I lost you
Over a decade ago.
With very little warning sign,
With so many unanswered questions.

I’ve moved on,
Forgiven you,
I’ve ler go,
Why can’t you?

I close my eyes,
I dream of you.
Always the same one,
Me begging you, to love us.

You come home drunk,
We argue,
You lie,
I keep holding on.

You say,
“no I haven’t been drinking.”
I’m looking right at you,
The eyes tell me different.

Your actions,
Your smell,
Your slurring,
Stammering.

Lies,
I’m crying,
I’m just so tired of it all,
Why can’t you just love us?

You brought destruction
Home with you,
You brought disease
Home with you.

Why can’t you let me go?
I can’t do these dreams anymore.
Please, go.

By: Carrie Labiak

I hear people say,
“If it were my child, I would…”
I hear it everyday.
I loathe that statement.

If it were your child,
I would hope,
You wouldn’t have to deal
with addiction.

If it were your child,
I hope you get all the answers,
All the resources,
All the prayers in the world.

The way I’ve handled this,
The cards I’ve been dealt,
The resources I didnt have.
The answers I’m still seeking.

I know, I could have done better,
I know there are better ways
to handle things
I’m learning as I go.

Please understand,
We don’t wish this on anyone.
If it does happen to you,
Have an opened mind.

Be prepared,
To love harder,
To cry harder,
To undeniably, doubt yourself.

I just know,
I hate addiction,
I hate the heartbreak,
But I love my child.

I would hope,
You give it all you got,
You do the impossible
You love, when they are unlovable.

What this has taught me,
To love past the hurt,
To fight with every ounce of energy,
To not judge, anything that is happening.

If it were your child,
I can almost guarantee
You will do everything
Everyone else Is doing.

If you don’t want it
To be your child,
Take charge now,
Educate yourself.

By: Carrie Labiak

I loved you,
From the first time I saw you,
We were so young,
Foolish, teenagers.

Timing was unimaginable,
High school.
But, I knew it was love.
We were destined to be together.

We had a family,
So much to learn,
But we will grow together.

From place to place,
Fight after fight.
Our love was strong.

Life has an awful way of turning dark.
Problem after problem,
We drifted apart.
Our lives separated,
Our love divided.

Who were we?
Foolish?
Too young,
Inexperienced.

Until fate brought us together again.
I had my doubts,
I was very insecure about
What I deserved.

Not happiness,
Not love,
Not you.

It was you,
You who fought for our love,
Fought for us,
Fought for me.

You who I love,
Who I deserve.
We moved in together.

Again under one roof,
Together, as one.
Who was I without you?
How did I live without you?

So why haven’t I hung my pictures ?
Where is this going?
What if?

You are all I need,
All I want.
I’m not afraid anymore,
You are my security,
Again till death do us part.
I finally hung my pictures,
As a symbol of I’m home.

By: Carrie Labiak

I gave you my all,
Love, attention, my heart.
I was your servant,
Your punching bag.

I took it,
Day in and day out,
Lower and lower you knocked me down.
I took your hateful words, actions
Till I had nothing left of me.

I envied your freedom,
Your independence,
I grieved your loss of loyalty, faithfulness.

In the midst of this battle,
The truth was right there,
In everything you did, said.
I was blinded by hope.

Hopeful, that you would just love me,
After all the years,
The good times and bad,
I had no more fight.

I was exhausted,
the battle was lost, to you.
That rainy, dark, terrifying day.
Was lost, time stood still.

I didnt get to say goodbye
I wasn’t able to tell you I loved you.
But I cried for you,
I prayed for you,

I silently died with you.

By: Carrie Labiak